Gracian

‘Twas a nice sunny day in 2002 when I first set my eyes upon the shiny new book, just laying there on the bookstore counter, taunting me, “Remus. Remus. Come to me. Buy me. You know you want to.” And I did. At the time, I was really into the whole WarCraft stuff and I had only just begun playing Reign of Chaos. I liked the story of the game and its continue that The Frozen Throne gave us. I had already read Day of the Dragon by Richard A. Knaak, which review you can find here and Lord of the Clans by Christie Golden. They were a part of a trilogy that would give us some WarCraft pre-story and Knaak’s novel told an irrelevant to the game story about the black dragon Deathwing, while Golden’s novel was about the rise of Warchief Thrall. So, what could this novel – this Last Guardian – be about?

Let’s see…

The Last Guardian

  Annotation:

The Guardians of Tirisfal: a line of champions imbued with godlike powers, each one through the ages charged with fighting a lonely secret war against the Burning Legion. Medivh was fated from birth to become the greatest and most powerful of this noble order. But from the beginning a darkness tainted his soul, corrupting his innocence and turning to evil the powers that should have fought for good. Torn by two destinies, Medivh’s struggle against the malice within him became one with the fate of Azeroth itself…and changed the world forever.

The book is about a young and ambitious start-up mage – Khadgar – who is sent by the mages in Kirin Tor to apprentice under the powerful mage Medivh in Karazhan. Kirin Tor’s mages believe that the curious Khadgar, who likes to poke his nose in anyone’s business, will reveal to them more about the secrets of mysterious Medivh, unlike all the other apprentices, who didn’t last very long in the tower.

So, Khadgar starts learning from Medivh… actually starts sorting his enormous library, filled with dangerous books and scrolls and from time to time has some conversations with Medivh about mages, about Kirin Tor and about Medivh’s past. Khadgar later learns that Medivh is no ordinary eccentric mage – he is actually a Guardian of Tirisfal, a lineage of incredibly powerful wizards empowered by a council to combat the forces of the Burning Legion. And Medivh’s mother is actually Magna Aegwynn, Matriarch of Tirisfal, who was born almost 800 years ago and battled and defeated the mighty Sargeras, leader of the Burning Legion.

Hungry for knowledge, Khadgar starts learning time-exploring magic by himself in order to learn more about Aegwynn and Medivh’s past. Soon he finds out that Medivh is hiding something and later that he is actually contolled by the defeated Sargeras, who imbued himself into Aegwynn moments before she banished him and was reborn with the birth of Medivh. Khadgar finds about his master’s plan to open a portal between the worlds of Azeroth and Draenor and release Gul’dan’s Horde upon the world of men. Khadgar immediately goes to Medivh’s old friends, King Llane Wrynn and the knight Anduin Lothar. Khadgar, Lothar, a half-orc named Garona and a group of soldiers return in Karazhan to stop Medivh/Sargeras and Khadgar manages to plunge a sword in Medivh’s heart, giving Lothar the time he needs to decapitate the Dark Titan with one swipe of his greatsword.

Medivh’s body and Sargeras’ spirit are destroyed, but Medivh’s spirit escapes that fate and goes on to seek what the future holds. And so, this is how Reign of Chaos begins…

The book is good. Really good. The author Jeff Grubb handles the mages and magic explanations a lot better than Knaak, gives better descriptions and overall tells a better story. Knaak has his good moments and intriguing characters, but Grubb’s writing is the real shit. While Knaak has a nack of creating his own characters, he uses the existing ones very poorly, but Grubb handles WarCraft characters perfectly, giving us awesome dialogue and background stories.

I like the story that the novel tells. We have this mighty mage and powerful demon lord, but we get the POV of the apprentice Khadgar instead, which is way better. Medivh’s mind would be filled with chaos and plots that you wouldn’t want to find out about till the end of the book, while Khadgar is a curious mage that explores the plot little by little, revealing unsatisfying amount of history, but always enough to keep you interested where the story goes next. Khadgar has no backstory, but that is no letdown – who cares about a noisy apprentice, when you find shit about the MASTAH~! himself? All the dialogue between Medivh and Khadgar is great, especially when Medivh reveals Tirisfal’s secrets and origins. The only problem the dialogue has is that it is awesome only between those two, while talking to other characters bores Medivh and me, and Khadgar is not very interesting without his master or outside the library.

It’s funny that such good book has very little characters – the only major ones and the ones that concern you are Medivh and Khadgar. The other characters the novel introduces are a tiny mixed bag. Anduin Lothar is your typical knight, and King Llane is your typical king, but that is no bad thing as they have a minor role in the story. The half-orc, Garona Halforcen (!) is pretty boring and one of the little flaws the book has. Her story is boring, she has no purpose, other than to introduce Khadgar to the orc world Draenor and be a whiny bitch when she finds out what her future holds.

The only flaw the book has is the first part of its ending – the killing of Medivh. I mean on one side you have this almighty archmage, controlled by an almighty Dark Titan, that doesn’t give a fuck about this world and can destroy anything with a simple spell, and on the other side you have an apprentice, specialized in time-exploring magic, a knight and a bunch of buffer soldiers. Sounds like Salvatore odds, eh? Well, yes. Grubb gives us the excuse that he is caught off guard, but even then – how come an all-powerful archmage can kill demons, but can’t beat his own weak apprentice and an average knight with no special abilities?

Aside from that, like I mentioned a ton of times, the novel is more than readable. It is easy to read, doesn’t load you with mysteries, family drama, or politcal struggles, the characters don’t whine (well, 99% of them) and are never overused in a chapter. It is interesting, intriguing, well-written and is the only book in the trilogy that has references to the others (yes, it is the third book, but Lord of the Clans didn’t reference Knaak’s story even by little, although everything happens in the same timeline and greatly concerns the story).

And the Bulgarian translation didn’t manage to screw it up! So that’s a double whammy!

I’m Remus Willmore and I’m outa here!

Have a nice fucking day!

Friedrich von Shiller

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce thee to the most horrific book I have ever, ever, EVER read, bar Spine of the World. I warn thee, ‘tis not for the weak-hearted, nor is it for people contemplating suicide. After reading the book, the latter will know they want to kill themselves.

First of all, I’d like to mention that you won’t be able to find this book anywhere outside Bulgaria (thank fuck!) and even here it is already gone. Aye, ‘tis a Bulgarian fantasy book, and to top that – ‘tis written by a 17 year old geek wanna-be. I know, now some of you will ask “Then why do you bother? Were you expecting a good book from a 17 yo, played too much Diablo?” Well, since the book was published by one of the biggest publishing companies in BG – Bard – I was hoping that the book would be at least good. It was actually meant as a trilogy and the “author” had given multiple interviews with what you could expect in the next books of the saga.

I bet nobody was expecting this…

Chronicles of the Seven Moons

As I mentioned, this was supposed to be a trilogy, but poor sales fucked that idea up and the only book that came out was Outrunning Destiny. The book got more publicity before it was published than it did after. Actually, it is pretty funny that they made so much buzz about the book before it saw the light of day and when it finally did, it was kind of forgotten. It was advertised on national television, the author – Vassil Tuchkov – gave an interview for the best PC magazine in BG – PC Mania. In the magazine, there was a sample of the book, a paragraph concerning the storyline in the book, but the retardedness of putting that there will be discussed later on. When the book was published, some people said it was great, others said it was a piece of shit, and a third group remained neutral, saying it is somewhere in between. I choose D – none of the above.

This book, this… novel… was an overhyped piece of fucked-up bullshit, with horseshit filling and puke for frosting.

Fuck you, Bard. Fuck you, Tuchkov. Fuck you for wasting my time, for taking my money and filling my brain with thy fucking product, varying from horribly average to epic weak.

You don’t see Americans buying every book from American authors, right? Well, in BG, people have read so much translated fantasy literature that they have become suckers for homeboy writings. When something new and BG comes out on the market, you know that they will buy it just because it’s Bulgarian. I hate patriotism. You can’t make an assumption that something is good, just because it is a local product. But then again… Bulgarians aren’t the brightest people alive.

And this is the best example. Without further ado, I now give you…

Racing Destiny

And here is the annotation:

Everything begins when the destinies of two unsuspecting lads tangle and they play a great role in the battle against the dark forces.

The Chosen – since long forgotten times an ancient prophecy drives wizards and dark acolytes to seek the Water Child and the Air Child, who will save the world, only to destroy the universe.

Kai – he has a white hair lock, a sign of divine touch, and although he doesn’t know it, he is an Etheral – a godly messenger.

Alan – a pupil in the Air Academy for magic and anomalies, but doesn’t want to be a wizard.

The heroes go through exiting adventures, until they find their mission, win or lose their lives, or even their souls. Will magic survive or will the True Evil triumph, and Kai and Alan will forever be held prisoners in a parallel world?

But above all else, Kai finds out whose messenger he is and the race begins.

A CLASSIC FANTASY EPOS with original elements, colorful and easy-to-remember characters. A great debut for Bulgaria’s youngest fantasy writer, who challenges classic authors in the genre.

Isn’t the beginning enough to ensure you that you will expose yourself to a pile of shit? Let’s take a deeper look at this brainfuck of an annotation.

First of all, the book has Chosen. And not god-chosen, like Chosen in Forgotten Realms, no. Here you have clichéd Hairy Pooper and Matrix-type chosen. People that will SAVE THE WORLD. And why will they SAVE THE WORLD? Well, apparently, to DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! Hah… OK, let’s check again. And I’m not talking about the save the cheerleader to kill Petrelli storyline, I am talking about THE UNIVERSE. A universe. A fantasy universe. A fucking fantasy UNIverse. We haven’t even begun with the book and it already promises you a one-dimensional world. But wait! Then it says that there is a parallel world. So… is it a universe, or is it not? It’s already fucked up, why continue reading?!

Because I can…

Next, we have the names. Kai and Alan. Alan… Really? I will refrain commenting that right now, but I will get back to this.

And we finish with CLASSIC FANTASY EPOS… ‘Tis not. I assure you, ‘tis not. Colorful and easy-to-remember characters? Well, not comepletely true. You have three or four easy-to-remember characters, but only in your nightmares. The others vary from cliché to freakingly mediocre and are very, very easy-to-forget.

Now let’s begin with the book. Why, you ask? Because I like to hurt myself.

A strange man that “surprisingly” turnes out to be a wizard enters an underwater city to seek a sixteen year old fisherman boy named Kai. He takes him away from the city and travels… uhm… somewhere, but they get separated by… well, by the North Wind. Yes, in this book even the wind has an identity and chatacter. Bullshit. The mage… Whateverhisnameis… goes back to Anal’us… erm… Ara’nus – a Sky Academy for magic. There he wants to take a pupil of his – twelve year old Alan, who isn’t very good at magic and doesn’t want to be a wizard. Then why is he here? Oh, yes – he’s an orphan. Big surprise, really – the sad little orphan is the chosen one. So fucking original… One day Alan gets attacked by a creature, known as a soulsucker, but nobody believes him, nor does anybody believe that the same creature killed one of the master mages. His only friend in the Academy – a guard named Simon – stands up for him, but only because he doesn’t want anybody to know that the creature was actually there. Alan fins out and runs away in tears, keeping it realistic for twelve-year olds.

Kai finds himself blown away to an unknown island. There he finds this amazing creature, known as a metamorph. The creature can turn into anything he wishes it to and they become friends. Aw, a puppy! Later Kai arrives at a city, where he becomes a thief.

Why? I dunno. How did he suddenly get to a city? I dunno.

Kai grows very strong in the thief guild and even gets his own nickname – Panda. How do people in a fantasy setting know what a panda is? I. Don’t. Know. In just a month of training, Kai becomes the best thief in the guild, ‘cause y’know – 16-year old chosen usually get better in a month than a skilled thief in a lifetime. He becomes so arrogant, that he tries to rob these three dwarves which have their own gang name, but I can’t remember it, so I’m just gonna call them The Ridiculously Named Cliché Dwarves. Or The RNCD, for short. Their names are really silly – Angry Ironsmith, Druin Raveneye and Girb Dragonfang. In Bulgarian, they are not even translated, which makes them sound even more ridiculous than they already are. And they are your typical group of arrogant, overrated fighters, riding a goat, a bear and a pig… but the pig’s rider thinks it’s a beaver. I need air… Anyway, the dwarves catch Kai with one of their traps. But they are so impressed with him that they not only let him live, but invite him in their group. But that becomes pointless, because some pages later, a band of homeless thieves attacks the dwarves and they are last seen heading into the fight with no mention throughout the book what the fuck happened to them. Not that anybody cares… Kai leaves the city as a stowaway on a ship, along with one of his colleagues – a masked girl – and a new companion – the strange kid Alan.

Later the ship gets intercepted by the forces of the evil necromancer Nemrock (Holy fuck! An EVIL necromancer is the main antagonist! No fucking way!), who captures the three fugitives and holds them prisoner in some caves, where he lives. Because all evildoers live in dark caves! Nemrock serves an evil entity names Uruk’Han that has been sealed away by the wizards long ago and draws his powers from it. He has surrounded himself by an army of strange creatures called barks that are anthropological mixes of cattle, such as sheep, cows, hogs, goats, bulls, fuckless shits and the like. He also has a pet elven druid, who is so gullable, that thinks him a great master. The elven druid finds Alan fascinating and keeps him as a pupil, teaching him the art of the druid, while Kai and The Whore are thrown in the caves to dig for strange rocks that remind me of magicites from Final Fantasy XII. These rocks are the source of Nemrock’s power, because you see, in these times magic is fading from the world and mages are pretty weak, but Nemrock uses these rocks to draw magic and keep himself powerful.

During his time in the caves, Kai creates a rebel group of miners and we get introduced to a bajillion more characters, each one as mediocre as the rest. One of them – the hugest cliché for an axe-loving, curse-spitting dwarf – becomes close friends with Kai. So close, that they even dress as girls in order to infiltrate the women cells and get The Whore out. And so, the rebellion starts and humans, dwarves and the like go against barks and some shadowy creatures.

Meanwhile, in Ara’nus an inner conflict erupts and the headmaster – Christopher Something-Something – as well as one of the teachers – a guy named Alexis, or Lex for short – are thrown into a magic cell (I thought there is no magic). The Academy’s healer – Lance – saves them… but only to turn on them a second later, paralyzing Lex and killing off Christopher. He then goes all James Bond-antagonistic and reveals his master plan to free Uruk’Han, who will grant him limitless power. And he reveals it to the corpse of dead Chris, while behind him Lex is freeing himself from the paralyze spell. Lex finally gets free and kills off Lance… Okay… then he grabs some scrolls (why?) and runs off, remembering an old prophecy about an Water and an Air Child.

Back to the caves, the war wages on and the rebels get some wins, until they reach good’ol Nemrock, who is about to fuck them up… but then the wizard whose name I can’t remember arrives and holds Nemrock off, ‘til the others escape. Somehow, they fall into a portal and get sent to a strange island, where they have to answer stupid riddles from a great white dragon, that turns out to be a small drake, using an illusion. They scare it off and set off searching for a way out of the island… End.

…

…

End?

…

END?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

This books sucks for numerous reasons. It has a stupid world – everything is underwater but two continents and the cave island. It has a stupid story – an evil entity, trying to take over the world (OF COURSE!) and some Chosen try to stop it. It has stupid protagonists – kids, dammit, kids! It has stereotypical antagonists. The dialogue sucks. The surroundings description is either useless, or non-existent. The action plainly sucks cock. The supporting characters are dull, mediocre, clichéd, boring, annoying, bajillion and even racist (Lee Long? Really?!)! I didn’t mention it before, but there are about a million stories going on – an elf going home, Simon’s betrayal, the Academy’s inner conflict, the war between the underwater kingdoms, Alan’s struggle to find his place, Kai’s love story with The Whore, Grunt’s “I don’t like swords” rants and his favourite goat which he apparently fucks, The RNCD, Lance’s struggle for power, Nemrock’s struggle for power, the druid’s lost son, A-Guy-From-The-Caves’ stupid story about finding a medallion of illusions the million background stories of the rebel miners, Kai meets a goddess, the wiz… DONOVAN! His name was Donovan… Donovan’s search for the Air and Water Child… I am probably missing more, but isn’t even this enough? It’s a STORY CLUSTERFUCK! And this might be strange, but this book will sound way better in English, since the writer has used every element of the fantasy terminology without bothering to translate it and it is just horrific in BG.

Remember the sample that I mentioned? It was about the Lex and Lance fight, which is probably the best part of the whole book… if it was a standalone! But no – it is part of the main story and one of the main characters gets killed during it. You reveal a twist in a sample!

If there is any originality in this book, that is that the RNCD are THREE and not SEVEN!

And there are so many time loops in this book. Nobody bothered to check the previous years in some of the stories and then comes up with new ones and it turns out that some of the characters are born before their parents and others – 3,000 years later! WOW, now THAT’s a pregnancy! Also, in this book you don’t see anything coming. And not in the good, creative way, here stuff just happen for no apparent reason… they JUST happen in a mindfucking way. Just look at the story:

An evil entity wants to take over the world, using a necromancer and a traitorous guard and mage. The gods have Chosen that will save the world to destroy the universe. The Chosen are puberty kids. The mages are weak, because magic fades from the world. The kids travel randomly to find each other. When they do, they get thrown into a mine, where they start a rebellion. Simon the Guard steals a mighty sword from the Academy. They meet a strange man with a strange amulet that gets his own background story. They meet a rope-fighting Asian guy names Lee. The Academy implodes. Nemrock fights Donovan. The rebels just… fight. The rebel leaders fall into a portal and into a world where a dragon riddles them. They scare it off. Nemrock escapes. End of first book.

…

What the fuck, man?! Stuff just randomly happens! And there are no chapters or parts – it’s just straight text, from beginning to end, with some illustrations and page breaks. It works with Pratchett, but only because he is funny! And every attempt of this book at being funny draws a frustrated sigh. And it tries… a lot! I’ve read a lot of complaints that he plagiarizes from Raymond Feast, but I haven’t read Feast, so I can’t be the judge of that. Nor do I care – who gives a fuck about this abomination! It is already fucked up enough.

I know that this I a first book. I know that it only builds up for the stuff that will happen later. I know that I shouldn’t have been expecting a whole damn lot from a geeky teenager, nor should I have been expecting anything from a Bulgarian writer (which is an oxymoron), but I was expecting a lot from the prestige publishing company. See, Bulgaria has about 65,000 publishers and I am familiar only with 3-4 of them, so my hopes were backed up! But no! I guess even Bard would do anything for money – the kid had some sponsors, they gave money for the publishing, they gave massive media coverage – more than I have ever heard or read for a book in BG, bar Potty Harer.

I am glad that there was no second book to see the light of day! I am glad that even Bulgarians have enough brains to recognize a piece of shit when they see it. (Then again, most BGs are allergic to reading, and the others like folklore music… bummer, what is wrong with this country?!) Even this book is too much, even for hardcore fantasy readers like myself, who torture themselves enough with R.A. Salvatore’s work. And you should be glad that you will never have the chance to read this abomination. But if you do… if you ever see this, BURN IT! Burn it and send it to the fiery depths of Hades, where it belongs, along with scum like the pope, politicians, lawyers, dentists, Dane Cook, Hannah Montana, Wulfgar, Cattie-brie, religious people, terrorists, K-Fed, K-Fed’s ex, Johnny Knoxville, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton’s friends, etc.

I’m Remus Willmore and this was enough brain torture for me, so I’m outa here!

Have a nice fucking day!

Anyway… today is the Day of the Dragon. (don’t mix with Day of the Dragons)

Back then I wasn’t really sure why this book touched me in that strange way, only a decent piece of work can touch you. During the years I have thought that it’s maybe the Warcraft universe – one of the richest and best constructed ones. Or maybe because I used to be impressed by dragons all that much …. the that talking about these 5 mighty, all-powerful beings, keeping balance in the world, sounded pretty strong to me.
Especially when we find out that they all have their individual ways and dramas … being so separated from one another, not really caring … even about the world they are supposed to watch over.
And the final stroke of energy when we see that not only that, but one of them has turned against everyone and everything, so HE can dominate over all life … well it still sounds like a good idea to write a book about. So it wasn’t only because I was a lot younger.

Back to the matter … it turned out that none of the above (although some of the reasons I pointed out did have an effect for the book to be good and liked) were the reason. Later on I read more books about both the Warcraft universe and by Richard A. Knaak and I came to the conclusion that this guy can write pretty damn well. “Legacy of Blood”, “The Last Guardian”, “Moon of the Spider”, “The Kingdom of Shadow” and the Warcraft Trilogy  – “War of the Ancients” – all quite interesting and fun to read. And if you like that, you will definitely like what he has written about the Dragonlance realm.
But about that – another time.

My point being that this dude – Mr. Knaak – possesses some talent and a good amount of magic with a close resemblance to R. A. Salvatore’s, which logically means that the books ARE good. They aren’t perfect, but they are good.
Although  … some might even be better than what Salvatore gives us. Because when it comes to Salvatore, he writes about the same characters all the time and just puts several new ones in different books to make things a bit more colourful, when Knaak writes about different people every time – all complex and completely different from one another.
So if one is the big journey of a well-known group of heroes, then the other is just a quicker, but still epic and interesting adventure of a party or one person. Both are sweet, I think, and if I must put a top 3 best fantasy authors at the moment, Richard. A. Knaak would definitely be there.

About the actual main characters of the book … well, for those that are really interested in it, and have known it for years and years, things I could say would make sense, but since I am trying to make a review for those that aren’t familiar I will stick to the basics.
There is this wizard (or should I say mage, “cough-cough” WoW, “cough”) called Ronnin who is given the task to go fetch this amulet from an orc. With him eventually stick an elf ranger named Veeresa Windrunner and this dwarf known as Falstad.
So it turns out that this amulet thing can not only summon an ancient and powerful demon, but is also the key to control the dragon Aspects.

I’ve been looking at the book for a while now and to tell you the truth, it’s hard to find any fails or minuses there. So Knaak is either pretty familiar with everything or just the editing is very, very strict.
Every character, even the minor ones seem to have their place, they aren’t just thrown around or anything (unlike some of the other books I have reviewed). There are many great beings involved, so if you don’t like characters that are “squish” , then this a book for you. There are dragons everywhere, the bad guy Deathwing is pure win when it comes to villains, as he isn’t only the  most powerful of his kind, if not the strongest, but he also manipulates the mortal races, turning tides the way he wants, not only by force, but with words, treachery and silent whispers in the king’s year.
There are many exciting battles with not only orcs, but with trolls and dragon riders as well.
The conversations where Krasus, a dragon who lives his life as a mage among mortal races, looks for the Aspect dragons and talks to them one by one is amazingly well written.
But there are also funny moments, for example where Falstad shows his well-known dwarven lust for ale or the company of a good woman.

It’s like there is a bit of everything in this book and maybe that is why it is so good. Well, of course, the big Warcraft world also makes a difference, but let’s remember – when I first read it I had no clue what it was all about and World of Warcraft didn’t even exist, so … there you have it – the proof.

Looking at this novel after all this years makes me realize how much I actually did enjoy it back then. It is really very unfortunate that in my country you can’t keep a decent track on new books.
But anyway Richard A. Knaak is a person who CAN and DOES write decent fantasy nowadays, so I highly recommend you have a look at some of his works, if you haven’t already.

~~~ Revenant

P.S. I have been really busy recently with my school and work, but hopefully I will be able to write at least one review per week from now on, without missing.
Next time it’s Icewind Dale Trilogy, hopefully.
Cheers.

Since it pains me so, I will take the privilege to review the whole trilogy as a whole and focusing to fragments of the story, instead of making 3 little parts, like I usually do.
“Takes a deep breath”

Here goes. Septimus Heap, everyone !

Septimus Heap is the seventh son of the seventh son which is supposed to be something epic and is supposed to make him some uber cool person with tremendous potential for …. everything.
Long story short – he becomes the apprentice of the High Wizard or w/e she, yes you guessed it - a woman, was called.

The Simple Line:In the first book we find a lot about who he is, how he turns into a proper human being and actually becomes the apprentice. As for the second book he is the same he is in the first one, just … doing more stuff, and in the third one he shows that he can do pretty much everything, being the imba 7 out of 7, douche.

The Heroes: Kids. I hate main characters that are kids. They are lame, they whine, have no good thoughts whatsoever, no inner drama, just bitching about how to wipe their asses and jeez, they never do anything useful, no creativity, just pure luck and things … happening around them.
And everyone who isn’t a kid is … either an annoying ghost – so many of them around, OR a guard, servant, squire or miserable dude, with no skills, no character and … no life or dreams of their own.
Oh, and there is the High Wizard. So SHE, is the most annoying woman i have ever read about. (Zip it, Teh Remus, noone is asking you) She keeps whining about her shoes, her tower, her clothes, her … shoes AGAIN. She is bossy, keeps pushing people without giving out any reason, pretty much just because she is a bitch that needs to say something to be in the book …. AND, in 3 books she does like … 2-3 spells, of which maybe 1 is actually useful.
What a bunch of shit …

The Villains: Sigh. In book 1 it’s the former High Wizard – the teachers of the current bitch’s teacher. So he killed him, was banished, now he is back and wants some shiny jewelry thing that belongs to the High Wizard. Then in book 2 we have one of Septimus’ brothers, and GOD does he have loads of brothers, who suddenly goes – “Septimus is so perfect, he gets everything, no fair, I want to learn uber boring magic gay stuff too!” So he picks up the former villain’s skull “literary” and starts doing creepy stuff, which I personally, find ridiculous. For example … one of his minions is a …. WAIT FOR IT … a BALL. Yes, I am serious, a bouncing ball! Amazing. Truly stunning.
In book 3 we see the evil Queen … whatshername, who jumps of a picture Septimus’ father unleashed by mistake. Yeh, he does it all the time, some father, he never said anything to his son, in 3 books he is being a complete idiot who is playing games rather than being with his son. Wonderful.

The actual Stories and the Crap: Well, if any book is OK written, its the first one. The author put some stuff into it and as retarded it might be at times, it has some originality and gives the reader the interest to read it till the end. The problem is the other two books. It seems like everything that’s happening happens in like 1 year … or so. So the character is always 10 …. 10 fucking years old, the princess Jenna is the same, everything is the SAME! None of the characters evolves whatsoever, other than Septimus himself maybe, who learns how to be a doctor … or  a healer … or a guy who knows chemistry … useless crap. Does he learn magic, spells, uber powerful knowledge of the world? Does the She-wizard bitch actually teach him anything? Well maybe, but we never know, since it doesn’t SAY!
Let’s just jump to book 3 here, cause THIS IS THE SHIT!
And I will put the words “children’s book” right here, right now. I know it’s a book for children, thank you very much. But tell me … what kind of a children’s book gives you a villain that murders her baby daughters and wants to drown her 10 year old girl? And its described HOW she wants to do it, just like a serial killer in a Steven King novel.
Plus … there is a scene where everyone is having dinner and guess what they are serving. No, you cant guess, since I needed 5 minutes to stare in the paper to realize that I wasn’t actually having a bad nightmare. They were serving plucked ALIVE little ducks, LITTLE newborn ducks, in a plate or something … where you have a big hot bowl of orange juice that u put in the bowl with the little ducky and it BOILS it ALIVE! Have a good meal, everyone!
This is making me puke. A children’s book? Pfft! H-h-h–h-hells, no.

You want your children to read something, buy them Harry Potter. It ain’t the best book in the world, but there aren’t any crazy stuff about murdering someone (well, not really) and eating living wildlife in them or serial killer’s plot descriptions.
With all due respect Angye Sage – just no. Go away, and put your act together, choose your readers and write your stuff there, take your pills properly.

~~~ Revenant

P.S. Whats with the mistakes in the Titles by the way? For those that don’t get it, it is supposed to be – Magic, Flight and Physic. How is a child suppsoed to understand that? And then why couldn’t children spell right.
“I put mistakes in the titles of my books, stupid children are bound to buy them, har har har!”

P.S. 2 You would be amazed there are actually more books about this. Thankfully, I don’t think any of them will be published here in the next year, so I am in the clear.

Andrew Wyeth

So, I finished The Dark Elf Trilogy, I introduced your arses to the exciting (or not so much) world of Salvatoreland and now is the time to continue. Lightus Maximus Crupius would disagree, but fuck him. ‘Tis my reviews, damn it! Not my fault he’s and lazy arse, is it?

OK, so next trilogy. This is actually the first trilogy that Salvatore unleashed upon the world of Forgotten Realms. Firstly, Wulfgar The Retard was supposed to be the main hero, but this plan was murdered instantaneously after the smarter fans realized the uniqueness of Drizzt Do’Urden’s then-character. Mostly because every second hero is a barbarian, and drow are not really that much seen in the main scene. Smart readers, really.

Unlike the fucking writer…

Also, again I will spare the page coverage. If anybody gives a shit – buy/download/borrow/steal the books and read them. ‘Tis not my place to tell you everything about them.

So, without further ado, let me introduce That Which Would’ve Been But Got Better, Only To Get Worse Again Later On, or just:

The Icewind Dale Trilogy

#1 The Crystal Shard

This book is amazing. It is Salvatore’s first shot at Faerun and he nailed it. It is truly his best work up to date. The reasons? The first work is always best, because you have many ideas to share. Fortunately, Salvatore doesn’t try experimenting with crappy books, containing everything D&D has to offer and then giving us a fully constructed novel. Here he tells a nice story that we haven’t heard before with some great and some clichéd characters. This is the first and last time you’ll see this while reading Salvatore, so enjoy while you can. After that his creativity goes to the movies and every other book just quotes the previous ones. But this one is just so-so. Unique by the standarts of his art and uncorrupted. In this book, Salvatore writes with less gimmicks, using less and basic races, giving us barely a glint of what Toril can offer us. The aforementioned uniqueness of Drizzt stands out quite a lot among the basic other characters and that puts him more over than ever. Drizzt himself is not the whiny whore that we see in the other books – here he accepts his fate of a drow among men and still acts as a drow, being as cruel to his enemies as any other drow would be against theirs. He is thoughtful, calculating, strategic and mindful, and just for the fuck of it sometimes reckless so that he can get himself in situations that you want to see/read him get out from (i.e. the verbeeg cave chapter). Here he lives up to his age of 40+ years, although in the original version of the book he is meant to be over two hundred years old. Still, he acts as an adult and doesn’t seek advice from Mommie-Ballkeeper-Brie, who is too busy pulling Wulfgar by the balls and that is probably the best part of the book! Fuck that – best part of the entire Drizzt saga!

Can you believe that? A 40-year old drow is better when he acts like as a 40-year old drow, instead of a moralistic ballless, spineless and dickless fuck? No fucking way!

Also, the Drizzt here is shown more real than in other books – while he is still a great weapon master, he is only a vulnerable mortal as any other being. During the Ten Towns vs. the barbarian tribes battle, he is almost killed in the middle of a fight against mediocre enemies and while some think that this is underrating the character that he is build-up to in Homeland, that is not true. This is showing that he is just like any other fighter on the battlefield and you need not thousand orcs (!), Zombie Zak, a majority of illithids (!!), a legion of duergar warriors, a marilith, glabrezu and a balor (!!!), two dragons or AN ENTIRE FUCKING DROW ARMY PLUS ARTEMIS FUCKING ENTRERI (!!!x2) to bring him down! Real characters is what draws in these books. If we wanted supernatural, neverdying, immortal beings, we would stick to Superman comics, damn it!

And don’t grow smart – when I say balor, I mean Passage To Dawn and not this fight with Ertu. Here he has a perfectly legitimate and fitting excuse for beating him, unlike the other book, where he just super-duper-mega-ultra-hyper-tera-zeta hulks up and fucks him up in the arse with his other super fuck-buddies.

Some of the good moments in this book are the crafting of Aegis-fang and the Drizzt-Ertu battle. Some of the mind-bogglingly boring moments are the mere presense of Wulfgar, who is the most useless creation ever made by any author. COLIN FUCKING CREEVE was less useless than Wulfgar! Why is he here anyway? He only takes pages, better suited for other heroes or villains. I understand that he was Salvatore’s first choice of main hero, but I’m fairly sick of barbarian heroes and instead of him getting less space in the books after Drizzt takes his initial spot, he gets more chapters tham most characters – even whole fucking books just for him! Where is the fucking logic?

Whatever –aside from the Wulfgar part, the book is simply the best Salvatore has to offer. His first shot was true, sad he did not stick with in and instead started reading D&D magazines, monster manuals and campaign settings to find the clusterfuck he fills his other books with. The only other series that comes near as good as this book is The Cleric Quintet, which has non of his Drizzt-book characters. Surprise, eh?

#2 Streams of Silver

Readers will probably get this book after two or three re-readings, done after you have read at least one of the next series, such as Legacy Of The Drow, Paths Of Darkness or Sellswords. Or in other words – after you read and understand the character of Artemis Entreri. In your first reading, you’ll se that he kinda pops out from nowhere, even if you have noticed his brief mentioning in the end of the last book. I actually had to check to see if it was the same guy. He will probably annoy the shit out of you. If this is your second Salvatore book (the first being The Crystal Shard) and you are used to Drizzt in his unique warrior-type character, chances are you will absolutely hate Entreri halfway through the book. He is built like this super cold mediocre-looking guy that has Drizzt’s fighting skills. I read the comparsion sentence like five or ten times and I was like “Whaaaaa? Comparing a boring murderer to your best character? You nuts, Bob?!” He will be highly overrated and will dagger-dance on your nerves. I could not resist the urge to skip to the end just to see if Drizzt kicks his arse, but imagine my surprise when I find out that this Entreri guy actually wins the battle psychology-wise! When you read more about Entreri and understand the character, you will love him more than future-spineless Drizzt, but here he is just a plain glorified assassin.

Other new characters in the book are: Dendybar The Mottled – your typical power-hungry wizard; Sydney – Dendybar’s power-hungry apprentice who I actually liked and felt kinda sorry about her fate in the end; Jierdan – a nobody who get his arse handed to him by Entreri halfway through the book; and… oh, fuck it – the fucking Harple family. Whoever is interested, read about them. I am not explaining them. For me they are not eccentric – only annoying. Alustriel Silverhand (check Faerun Fun Fact #1 in Teh Remus Reviews #2) also makes an appearance, feeling sorry for the first-of-many times bitch-ass whining Drizzt and explaining him why she can’t let him into her city. But that explanation goes donkey fucking, ‘cause he gets into the city in future books anyway. Way to go, Bob…

Another thing Bob fucks up is Alustriel’s family tree. As I said in the last review, she has six sisters, but here Bob mentions only two, skipping about 10 books of history… Speaking of fucking up, he introduces us to the first of his many experimentations – enter Bok. Bok is a gòlem. What kind, you ask? Elemental? Bone? Platinum? Crystal? I dunno. Bob never really tells us – it is just Dendybar’s gòlem pet. I’m guessing it is a flesh golem, since it is explained that it is made out of human parts, but it is never really reffered as such. Not big of a deal, but at leat a little detail would be nice.

Some of the other annoying stuff in the book are Bob’s attempts to turn our attention to Wulfgar. Throughout the whole book he gets in theres “civil” situations, where I guess the barbarians are too stupid to understand and Bob’s guess is that it would be interesting to read about how Wulfgar gets himself out of such. It is not interesting. It is a cliché. Barbarians are actually dumb.

Attention all writers: Clichés are not interesting. They are old. Try to comprehend this. Not very hard.

Talking about clichés, here we also get medieval racism, because, you see, Drizzt has black skin and is a drow and that is kinda the wrong race to be when dealing with surface beings. Yay…

Here you can see how Bob’s ideas are already starting to fade away. In one of the chapters he has nothing to write about, so he fills it out with the characters desires – Drizzt, wishing for a simple life, Bruenor – for Mithral Hall, Regis – for money ‘n stuff, and Wulfgar… for a cock, I guess. In other chapters he goes all out in explaining the Harple’s inventions or flaws. OK, I just have to say something about these mages – in medieval times, if you are a mage, you have to be either good, or crazy. You cannot be both!

The rest of the book (or what is left of it) varies from good to perfectly acceptable. The Drizzt diaries in the beginning of each part still rule. The little fight time Drizzt and Entreri get makes you want more, makes you want to see who the better swordsman is. Their teamplay against the duergar is awesome, a real battle between them would rule the world! So, it’s just an average book – a build-up to the last book of the series:

#3 The Halfling’s Gem

Least readable book in this trilogy and less readable than some of the rest. But still not the worst of Salvatore’s work as he finishes the story about Drizzt’s chase after Entreri and his dear friend Regis.

So Drizzt and Wulfgar travel through half of Faerun, going through hundreds of new lands and Salvatore spares us the detail about any of them, focusing on the characters’ personal drama. So no highlight on important lands that actually have quite the stories, especially Baldur’s Gate? Really, Bob?

Entreri’s travel at least had some stuff going on and the focus on his evil and merciless character was done quite well as he whacked a whole ship and burned it down with its captain. Drizzt and Wulfgar’s travel was boring as hell. Sure, they were involved in a pirate attack and protected their ship – Duedermont’s Sea Sprite – but think just for a sec what big of a cliché that is. So… if there’s a ship, immediately come the pirates. No fucking way! Never seen that… *yawn* Oh, before the sea travel, Drizzt gets his new scimitar – Twinkle, that is a Sting rip-off and actually does nothing, but shine. Yay… You know, Icingdeath at least had a power (that was never used again)!

Is it really that important to screw your own creations? Eh, Bob?

So, one of the things I just cannot not mention is the telltale Drizzt-Cattie-Brie moral talk in Calimport. One moment Drizzt is completely obsessed by the idea of killing Entreri, thinking him as the evil verion of himself and what he would have become if he did not realize what being a drow means. But then comes the big-o-ass moralistic whore, Whatsername, that has her visions of Drizzt’s way of thinking and completely talks him out of killing Entreri, telling Drizzt how to fight his battles and what to do.

WHAT THE FUCK, BOB?!

Seriously, a 18 year old bitch will tell a 40+ year old elf how, when and why to wield a blade?! Oh, come on! If I had to put a top 10 worst moments in a fantasy series, this would be on the top – directly after Wulfgar’s survival later on. Catie-Brie is as useless a character as he is. Biggest clichés ever, collected in one book – a barbarian hero, a moralistic whore and a sea travel with a pirate attack. And does it stop there? Hell, no. She continues poisoning the reader’s mind by bending Drizzt’s will and making his as much a pussy as any other moralistic paladin! I hate Lawful Good alignment! Also, BOB, when you make a fucking character with LG alignment, make him a paladin! Whem you make a ranger, know that rangers are by nature CHAOTIC! They do what must be done, not what an underage whore tells them to! Only a retard would put Catie-Brie in the middle of an epic feud such as Drizzt and Entreri’s. Why is she here? This is something that MUST happen. You have two sides of a mirror – Drizzt writes it himself: The existing of one of them is a disgrace to the existing of the other and there must be only one! You cannot have her childish arse tell an elite warrior “You cannot kill him because of this, because of that and than…” ! And this is where Drizzt loses all of my respect and makes me want to kill myself for ever liking him, turning my full attention to his better version – Artemis Entreri.

The battle between Drizzt and Entreri is the best one in the series so far, probably because is has non of the moral dilemma bullshit we had to read about earlier. Of course, what would have been an awesome ending was completely fucked up by… gues what… That’s right – the interverntion of the stupid whore, putting yet again her kiddy face where the sun does not shine.

I probably should mention Pasha Pook and LaValle, as the two other antagonists in the book, as well as the introduction to the wererat race (Bob’s next experiment), but they were just… there. Didn’t really do anything womewhat important exept torturing Regis, who nobody gives a fuck about anyway. Yeah, in the end there was a cool part where our heroes get sent to the plane of Tartar, but the whole not killing Catie-Brie part completely ruins the memory of it.

The book is just not good. Even though it has the beginning of the biggest and single greatest rivalry in the Salvatore series – Drizzt Do’Urden vs. Artemis Entreri – it is just not that good. It is a poor D&D product with about 10 pages of real story and 400 filler pages. I’m guessing it got some praise from feminist associations because of the Catie-Brie making Drizzt her bitch part, so well done! This book goes immediately after Exile, because of the same reasons – a promising beginning, but a poor execution because of retarded reasons. Enough of this, Bob!

Nex review – Legacy Of The Drow.

Have a nice fucking day!

As every R. A. Salvatore fan knows, the series for the unique drow ranger begin with the Icewind Dale Trilogy, where the plan for him was to be a supporting character to the barbarian Wulfgar. But, after the author saw that the interest is mainly pointed towards the strange drow instead the cliche that is Wulfgar, he turned the tides of his plans and made Drizzt Do’Urden his main character, and the champion of many many fantasy supporters across the globe.

After the adventures in Icewind Dale (more for that in the next review) Salvatore created another trilogy where he tells us about how Drizzt became what he was, while they were searching for Mithril Hall. He divided the story into three books – Homeland, Exile and Sojourn.

A wonderful start, in my opinion, I couldn’t imagine it a different way. The whole “brother kills brother” thing at the very start is cool, so the new-born son doesn’t have to be sacrificed. Not to mention the way the supreme power of the females is emphasized wonderfully – the way we find out that though matron Malice’s real consort is Rizzen, she has chosen to have children from her lover – Zaknafein, truly stunning.

If there is anything I can freely that say I agree with Teh Remus is that Zaknafein is just a supreme character and just needs more attention, needs more stories about him, more books. Many people hope that his buried connection with the renegade Jarlaxle might be a good platform for another return in the past before the rise of Drizzt.

Back to the book. We quickly meet the house Daermon N’a'shezbaernon (Do’Urden) and everyone’s roles and positions in the family and in Menzoberanzan, we learn of the house’s plans and dreams, where every single member has a purpose and has to be used to his full potential.
After Drizzt matures a bit (here I am talking about him being able to walk, talk and do small tasks by himself, as well as mastering his racial abilities) he is being called to Malice where his faith will be decided – either to become a sorcerer or become a warrior. After a little test by Zaknafein, that proves Drizzt’s dexterity, it is settled that his abilities really point to that, what is needed to be a fighter.

And so after some training with his father, he is being sent to the Fighters’ Academy, innocent and unknowing, completely unaware of the whole world of the drow. There he learns of the treachery and the cruelty of his race and decides he can’t trust anyone, but himself. He is forced to do things, he clearly sees as unjust and evil. But in every moment we see the conflict in his soul and his efforts to always help the poor innocent creatures his race is slaughtering – like the deep gnome Belvar or the little elf girl Ellifain, both characters reappear in later books.
After nineyears there, despite everything he has seen, Drizzt hopes to find answers and comfort in his mentor Zaknafein. He refuses to enjoy the pleasures of the female flesh and is being punished by being thrown in the hole of the driders- horrible spider-like aberrations. After he survives that, his mother Malice and the others decide he is too skillful to be just killed, so he gets off wit ha warning.
Sadly, it turns out, Zaknafein appears to be too settled, and unable to make the step of taking control of his life, so he decides to stay in Menzoberanzan.
Pretty much till the end of the book we follow the storyline of the last member of the house DeVir, a family destroyed by the house Do’Urden at the very start. So Drizzt needs to deal with him and a very annoying character sorcerer called Masoj Hun’ett.

And so Drizzt escapes the-so-much-hated world of the drow, alongside with his new companion – the magical panther Gwenhwywar, into the dangerous and unpridictable Underdark, where he is to wonder for a long time.

This book is pretty solid, but sometimes I think it just seems like that because we learn of how things were and how Drizzt became who he is. If you look into the storyline of the Masoj and Alton DeVir thing … I wouldn’t say it’s anything special. I think the author just counted more on Drizzt and the battles to the book good, than the actual story behind it. A good book is good though. Next.

In this book we learn of how Drizzt, day after day, after day, lives like a savage who’s only purpose and goal is to survive and see … the day afterthat. He is all alone, except for the magical panther Gwenhwywar, who can’t be with her master all the time though.
Many people find Drizzt very charming here, since he has no feelings, no worries, no inner struggles that many find annoying and not needed in the character’s aura, but I, of course, disagree. Sure, it was interesting, but thank the Light it didn’t last all that long. In my opinion Drizzt is what he is, because of his friends and is emotions, for the love and the valour and the justice in his heart. Whoever doesn’t agree I think they should just read about any other common drow, enough of them around.

Anyhow. One day, after many such where Drizzt slowly loses his mind (!), he decides to put an end to this pointless existence and surrender himself to a band of deep gnomes, digging around his hideout. Risking his life in the process, he believes that whatever the outcome, he won’t be alone anymore. Bit strange logic, but considering he is losing his mind, we accept it.

The following scenes are how Drizzt is captured, sent to the city of the deep gnomes – Blingdenstone. There he finds out that those creatures, known as evil and tricky critters, have a lot more good in their hearts than the drow. In the end, Belvar, whose life was saved by Drizzt in the past, stands up to the others and returns the favour, taking the drow under his wing. The two start living together and become close friends. Belvar teaches Drizzt their language and they often tell eachother stories and share visions of the world. This is were Drizzt Do’Urden finds his first real friend. (not counting Gwenhwywar of course)

Instead of focusing on the “whining” presented by Remus how Zaknafein has temporarily returned from the dead and how “that makes no sense” I will focus a bit more on what else happens.
After it turns out that matron Malice is looking for Drizzt, the gnomes kindly request for him to leave. His friend Belvar goes with him. Later they meet an unlucky creature – a pech, turned to a hook horror by a wizard. Drizzt and Belvar try to help out, but during the encounter with the human wizard, he is being slain by the pech in a tremendous moment of anger, so he (Clacker) must remain what he is now – a hook horror.
Another interesting part is where the three are captured by the Illithids – unusual creatures that control the energies of the mind. Here I often make the comparison to the StarCraft Overmind, that same pulsing pile of flesh – the Supreme Brain.
So after that adventure and the struggle with what appears to be Zaknafein’s zombie side, Clacker sacrifices himself to help his friends out, stating he rather die helping them than live for years like a monster.
With broken heart for their lost companion, Belvar and Drizzt, after a brief return in Blingdenstone, go to different roads – the elf to hesurface and the deep gnome – stays in his city.

I personally enjoyed the book. True, it isn’t as charming as the first one, or as exciting as the one after this, but that surely doesn’t mean it sucks. Belvar has somewhat the charisma of Bruenor and especially the adventure with the Illithids is written just fine. I love the moment where Clacker throws one of them little creatures to hit a shift lever.
Whatever you see in this book, it’s a lot better than to read about how Drizzt is going out of his mind, living alone in the dirt like the guy in 10,000 B.C.

This book is different from the previous ones. Here, on the Surface, Drizzt knows nothing. He can’t recognize good from evil, he can’t tell right and wrong. The character goes through many little adventures till he finally gets the picture, but sadly a few casualties are given.
Confronting Teh Remus, I found the part with the barghest quite interesting. Maybe even more interesting than the one with the Dove. Especially that annoying chump – the dwarf priest Fret, gah … “gasp”.
Anyway.
The part with Montolio “Mooshie” DeBrouchee is just wonderful. The author really put something into those chapters, giving us another character who teaches Drizzt “the ways of life” and helped him to be what he is. And if Zaknafein started crafting his spiritual armour, along with the skill with the scimitars, then Montolio finished that job beautifully, giving Drizzt the blessing of Mielikki.
The argument about a blind man and a ranger in trainingdefeating 1000 orcs … hm … well, maybe. But let’s not forget the brave little critters of the forest plus the numerous traps around. PlusDrizzt wasn’t exactly “in training”. He had studied under Zak, in the Fighters’ Academy, the years in the Underdark? Isn’t that training enoughto defeat some mindless orcs?
Of course, the death of Montolio makes Drizzt hit the road again, heading to Icewind Dale and the Ten Towns, where he meets crafty Bruenor Battlehammer and his adopted daughter Catti-Brie. Two very, VERY wonderful characters, I may add.
I see no point in mentioning Roddy McGristle and that little gremlin (I know he isn’t a gremlin, but for me he is!) Tephanis and their whining. If anyone is an annoying bitch in this book, it’s them. I will only point out the cool part where Gwenhwywar fights the mighty frost wolf – Caroak – was nice.

And so, here we are again – ready to start the journey in Icewind Dale alongside Bruenor, Cattie-Brie, Wulfgar and the little halfling Reggis, and of course, Drizzt Do’Urden.
For me this book was quite interesting. I would give it a very high score, maybe a 9, but considering the next books are better, it would be difficult. Cause it would mean I’d have to give them a 10.
Hm, when i think about it, I might do just that.

~~~ Revenant

I doubt there is a person who calls himself a fan and supporter of fantasy who hasn’t at least heard (if not read) one of the core novels of this genre. I am, of course, talking about the-so-called (by many) founder of fantasy John Ronald Reuel Tolkien.
I personally have never been a big fan of the guy, but you have to give him some credit for what he’s done for the realms of fantasy. I mean, someone had to start it, right?

Anyhow …  let’s jump into the book.

So the main character here is, well, a hobbit called Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For those that don’t know, hobbits are … well halflings who are best distinguished by their big hairy feet, too big to be put in shoes.
Our little Bilbo doesn’t like to be rushed or stressed and deffinately prefers staying at home in his warm hole than to go outside and on crazy adventures. So we don’t have the particular brave, noble type here, but this is happening around the dawn of fantasy, after all.

The very start, in my opinion is a bit … well …. how Gandalf just throws a bag of dwarves at a random hobbit, who is supposed to become a great hero is just a bit ridiculous. I think the author could have thought of something a bit more creative at least. And not only that, but Bilbo, the little whining gnome he is, in the end goes with it.
In the beginning, as Teh Remus would say, he is just … a little whining bitch. Just that in this case, Teh Remus would actually be right.

So Bilbo goes on a big journey across the whole Middle Earth helping a band of dwarves to reclaim their lost home which is now inhabited by a great dragon called Smaug.
That’s the basic thing. On their way to the mountains though, the party encounters many dangers and well .. problems. To say the least, it turns out none of them are really warriors. If by a dwarf you imagine the tough and strong like iron folk of other stories, then you better think again. The best comparison I can give them is to  (sadly) the dwarves from Snowhite. All we hear about them is their beards, cloaks, low bows and, of course, grunting and whining. Thank the Light there are action phases in this book or otherwise all we would be reading about is how Bilbo whines how hungry he is and how the dwarves moan about their lost treasure they’re never going to get back or how Gandarf is gone again.
Gandalf the Grey. This wonderful character from LOTR here is just an annoying grandpa with a stick (for those that don’t like him, he is even more annoying here) who keeps vanishing when he pleases, cause he “has some important stuff to attend to”. So the so-called action phases are as follows …
Trolls come … Bilbo hides …. dwarves captured, Gandalf comes, gets them out of shit.
Goblins come … Bilbo hides, dwarves captured, Gandalf comes, gets them out of shit.
Wooden Elves come … Bilbo runs … gets captured,  This time he saves them.
Spiders come … Bilbo frees dwarves.
Worgs come, Gandalf comes, Bilbo hides, danger is gone, Bilbo whines … bitches about.

That’s like 2/3 of the book. Thankfully the actual descriptions are done well and give some comfort.
In the end things get a bit more interesting when we meet a settlement of the humans and a guy who is supposed to a hero and eventually kills the great dragon Smaug.
How he does that, you may ask?
Well, since Bilbo talks to Smaug, being the little bitchy weasel he is, he finds out that one of his scales is gone and that there he is very vulnerable. And after that as he tells the dwarves about the discovery, a little bird, who appears to be able to talk and is very smart, hears it, flies to the human city, and as the dragon is destroying and pillaging and doing his stuff, he whispers that to the mighty human guy person who shoots an arrow with his bow and … BAUM, dead dragon.

Again, sadly … sounding like Teh Remus: Are you fucking kidding me?

Not only that but it turns out during their exploration of the chamber with treasures, Bilbo finds the great gemstone called …. something … and although he has heard the leader of the dwarves – Thorin, talk about it and how truly priceless it is to him and his family, he decides to keep it for himself …. THAT little weasel!

Sigh …

Don’t get me wrong. For kids and for people that are getting started in this kind of books, this story is pretty good. There is magic, good lessons to teach us, the heroes are fair and noble, you can see clearly who is bad and who is good, no inner drama or anything. Everything is simple, but not so simple that it looks retarded and just in the end gives the impression of a fair magical story for a little guy who finds out his courage. Personally I like a lot the moment where he talks to Gollum and the thought of the Guardian of the forest, the druid-like Beorn, is also actually pretty good.

In my opinion, just give the book a chance, don’t expect something extraordinary, but this IS a fantasy classic after all. And no matter what I, you or Teh Remus says about it, the book is world famous.
Such things just have to be read.

~~~ Revenant

Amy Lowell
Sword Blades and Poppy Seed

So here I am with nothing to review and see some old stuff I’ve been reviewing in Bulgarian in my blog. And I remember that Lightus Crupius asked me to translate this shit so that we can give both of our opinions on the Drizzt saga, so there it is – the first (story hronologically) trilogy in the series.

Oh, I haven’t given any story cover, ‘cause I want anybody who gives a fuck to read the books himself. There are some spoilers, but nothing grand, really. Nothing in R.A. Salvatore’s work is grand, really. Whatever, let’s just get to the fucking review, shall we? I give you…

The Dark Elf Trilogy

#1 Homeland

After a few reading you can get tired of the book, but if I have to give it something, it’s this: This book is an excellent beginning of the story of Drizzt Do’Urden! The reader can really connect to the character and Salvatore does everything in his power to make you cheer when he cheers, weap when he weaps, angry when he’s angry, etc. You can see how he gets tired of all the lust for power and the twisted drow in general. Not much to say, really, but the book serves its purpose – it shows you the roots and the uniqueness of Drizzt. So that’s thumbs up.

But…

Except Drizzt, in the book are introduced some awesome other characters, some of which surpass his own in a future vision, but more on that later. It’s real unfortunate that most of the characters die just when you’re enjoying every bit of their personality. Like Zaknafein, who is this awesome original version of what Drizzt should’ve really been (more on that later…). He doesn’t want this life, he hates everything around him – all the murders, all the intrigues, all the struggle for power , – but he’s just too used to everything and feels like there is no other place to go, and he’s also not able to go against the drow, because they are just too many, too vicious and just plain brutal. Unfortunately, one book is too little for a character like his. Fortunately, with future vision you can see that killing him was the best decision – now he doesn’t have to watch how his son becomes a ballless pussy! (But more on that later…)

If there is something I dislike enough to bitch about – that is exactly the bitches in the book. Here, the women (every single one a priestess of the goddess Lolth) are this monstrous evil, dominating all life (and death). Everything that fears the wrath of the Spider Queen Lolth must bow down before the drow priestesses. Seriously, the women are evil, but that is just too damn much. Sure, why not there be one, two, three… maybe ten high priestesses that rule Menzoberranzan, but according to Salvatore all drow women should be feminists with a unique female look and phenomenal powers… So, I guess Oprah rules Farun? But even though this is the absolute worst in the book, it is not a pain to die from, because it has its minimal logic, enabling itself to make sense – Lolth is a woman and she prefers women. Simple as that.

Aside from that, the book is one of the better works of Salvatore. If you don’t like this, you probably won’t like any of the following (series).

#2 Exile

Unlike its predecessor, this book is bad. I, personally, did not like it. I love to read about Dinin and Jarlaxle, but everything else is just utter shit. As a fan of Zaknafein, one would guess that I’d be happy to see him in this book, but no – this is no Zaknafein. It is just Salvatore’s bad understanding about the undead. So, Malice resurrects him under her will and now he is a… what? What is he? Is he undead? They keep referring to him as a zombie, but that’s bullshit. Zombies are slow and brainless, not matching opponents for a Drizzt swordfight. So what is he? A ghost? A ghoul? A ghast? No, they are ethereal. A Death Knight? Apparently not! No, Zaknafein is no undead. As funny or strange it may seem, he’s actually a walking corpse, carrying Zak’s soul, controlled by Matron Malice, but he is not undead. The end itself proves that – Malice gets too close to Zak’s emotions to enable him to fight with his full potential and Zak’s will suddenly pops out and he regains control of his body. The only undead with will are vampires, liches and death knighs, but they don’t have feelings like the ones Zak shows towards Drizzt! Read some undead manuals before writing about them, Bob!

Another thing I have to read about is this new type of creatire – a pech, that has gotten on the wrong side of a polymorph spell and now is transformed into a hook horror. So throughout the book he just whines, bitches and pities himself. I’m guessing that’s some Drizzt-in-training act, but more on that later. Yeah, talk about self-pity, this book is all about self-pity! The pech has it. Matron Malice has it at one point. Motherfucking Drizzt has it. Speaking of which, let me introduce you to future Drizzt: a whining whore, feeling lonely and desperate. YOU ARE 40 YEARS OLD! GROW THE FUCK UP!

This book is easy to rate – it’s a shit pickle! And yet it is better than other books that I will review later on. Actually, just one other book.

#3 Sojourn (Убежище)

This book is good. It became one of my favourite Drizzt books even before I finished reading it. Here he is less a whiny whore and more an acting warrior. His adaptation to the surface world is a fun period to read about. His first meeting with a skunk is almost funny. The part with the barghest is boring, but then comes the Dove Falconhand group hunt and that is great. Finally something that gives you the right atmosphere for a Faerun act. It’s just sad that Salvatore has to use other’s awesome characters to make his own stories interesting. Even sadder that the Dove story ends somewhat suddenly. First they chase him, then he helps them fend off some giants and her group is all like “OK, so he’s good, we’ll let’em go.”

Faerun Fun Fact #1: Dove Falconhand is one of the Seven Sisters – Chosen of The Goddess of Magic Mystra, who picked their mother – Elue, wife of ranger Dornal Silverhand as a mean to create Chosen. The other Sisters are: Sylune, the Witch of Shadowdale; Alustriel, ruler of Silverymoon; Storm, Harper of Shadowdale; Laeral Arunsun, Lady of Waterdeep and wife of Khelben “Blackstaff” Arunsun; The Simbul – former Alassra Silverhand, current lover of Elminster Aumar and Witch Queen of Aglarond, also the most powerful sorceress in all Faerun; Qilue Veladorn, a drow priestess of both Mystra and surface drow goddess Eilistraee, leader of the Promenade.

Next comes the Montolio chapters. He is and interesting character and teacher, being a blind ranger, but he’s lightyears away from Zaknafein. The battle near the end between Drizzt, Montolio and a 1,000 orcs was a overblown fuckfest – there is NO way a 80-year old blind ranger and a ranger-in-training surface adaptee to fight off ONE-MOTHER-FUCKING-THOUSAND orcs. That’s saying that orcs are the most retarded creatures in the world. And check out one of Salvatore’s next book titles – THE THOUNSAND ORCS! And if you knew what happens in the book, you know that this here is just retarded!

Aside from that and the utterly annoying Roddy McGristle and the quickling, everything else is more than OK. I recommend the book to any sci-fi readers and Forgotten Realms fans.

Nex review will be the Icewind Dale Trilogy. ‘Till then…

Have a nice fucking day!

Rorschach
Watchmen

So the next superhero movie is out. This time it is not Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, X-Men, Iron Man, The Punisher, Night Rider or The Incredible Hulk. Probably the franchise is way more known in the USA, or UK, since the graphic novels, which the movie is based on, are released in the far 1985. Fans there are more familiar with the characters, the story and the surroundings. Here, in Bulgaria, we barely get the frosting of the global cake, missing any opportunity to enjoy anything of the delicious filling. The narrow-mindedness of Bulgarian people towards this kind of art leaves us blind to any background this movie has.

If nobody has yet read the title, I am talking about…

WATCHMEN

There are already hundreds of reviews about the movie. I won’t do the same, at least not until I have watched it (cuz… y’know… BG is not a fast receiver when it comes to movies). This is a review about the graphic novel.

Since the day I saw the first trailer, I KNEW I had to find out more about this universe. From basic questions, like “Is it DC or Marvel?”, to anything about the stories in the universe, to anything private, like “What color is Rorschach’s cock?”

Not because I’m a huge geek or nerd.

Just because there is an interesting movie out and I don’t want to jump into it knowing nothing about the story and the characters, risking to think it just a rip-off of something similar, seeing cheaply glued together ideas, adourned with numerous clichés about superheroes… basically, I did not want to suffer the fate of a narrow-minded idiot (a.k.a. a Bulgarian).

So I read the graphic novel.

My reaction? Three letters: W . O . W . !!!

I’ve heard and I’ve read that this is the pinnacle of the comic art form. That this is one of the best, if not the best itself, graphic novel. That it is as good as anyone would say, that none of the praise is exaggerated, that it is one of the rare things in this world that does not disappoint even with such high and ridiculous expectations.

I don’t know about the others. And I don’t care. I have not read many comics. The only GN I’ve read is The Sunwell Trilogy. But after reading Watchmen I can only say…

Everything is true!

How deep can a comic book go? Here, you will be surprised with EACH chapter. It is simply THAT good.

So, the year is 1985, the month – October. The atmosphere… the Soviet are at war with the world and an invasion is expected… either with soldiers or nuclear attack.

Two detectives are investigating the murder of a war veteran named Edward Blake, who is thrown through the window of his apartment. They find little and when they leave, another figure appears – enter Rorschach. Apparently he knows more about Blake and his alter-ego – The Comedian. A former masked adventurer and an outlaw vigilante. See, Rorschach has this theory that someone is out there to kill all masked men. He immediately shares it with some of his former associates, whose stories are soon to cover every corner of your imagination – Daniel Dreiberg (Nite Owl II), Jon Osterman (Dr. Manhattan), Laurie Juspeczyk (Silk Spectre II), and Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias). Every one of them is retired from the masked adventurer duty, since it became illegal. So big surprise – nobody pays attention to him and turn back to their own personal dramas, until…

No. I am not telling the whole story as I usually do. To do this, I need to cover the whole 12 chapters of the Watchmen novel. And that is a HUGE time consumption. Whoever wants to know – read the novel and find out. All you get from me is basic impressions.

Firstly, I have to note that this is not the type of comic that I am used to. I thought that this is a superhero comic, but the only superhero – or at least the only one with supernatural powers – is Dr. Manhattan, who is not of the caring type and is far from the superhero category. The others are only people with masks. Batman-style. Some have brains, others have brawns. They combine it in different groups to create what this world’s version of the Justice League is. The initial reaction to reading about 30-40 yeard-old people, running around with masks, chasing rapists, thieves and robbers is clear – “What the fuck, man?” I don’t need to answer such reactions. Take ten minutes and read the applications in the end of every chapter of the novel – in the first two chapters is published the beginning of Hollis Mason’s (Nite Owl I) autobiography. There he explains everything you need to know about why they do it. If you don’t wanna read it – fuck you, that is your explanation. Ya don’t want it, I can’t help ya, period.

Y’know, these applications are one of my favourite things in the novel. I feel so delighted that somebody is working so hard to bring your attention to the details of every aspect of the world the characters live in. Hands down, Mr. Moore.

Another thing I noticed almost immediately is that this is not the typical comic book, where the main character rules the world, then comes a supervillian, who owns his ass for a couple of pages, then the superhero fucks his world. Here the writer gives a 110% not to get you involved in grand battles, but to introduce you to the characters. To make you understand them. To know their feelings, their story, their motives, their way of thinking. To make you see if you want to know what their future holds. The novel is 70% (background) story and 30% action and probably that makes it so fucking awesome. Everything is in such a great balance – a little action -> something unexplainable happens -> leads to a character’s background story, which gives meaning to the previous action/ array of thoughts/ the character himself -> continue action. Some will unapproved of that, but all is paid back with a rich story.

In the beginning of his autobiography, Hollis Mason writes that you need to capture the reader’s symphaty with the saddest moment of your life and then the reader is yours, and you can do anything with him. If that is what Alan Moore was doing – capturing our interest with sympathy to the character’s story – then congrats, Mr. Moore, you’ve won me. And I assure anybody reading this – that is no easy feat.

Once gotten under the influence and the chained story around the heroes, you tend to get addicted. Every page makes you want to know what will happen next as soon as possible, but you don’t wanna skip ahead, so you don’t miss parts of the story. There are some annoying and useless panels, like the paperguy, but they have another story, that subtly relates to the ending of the main story. The main storyline itself can nail your attention to the pages of the novel with ease. Every substory has its place and is a part of the global picture, so practically, there are no wasted pages! How many books these days can say the same thing?

I could sit and write about each and every character, but that would take me even longer than describing all the stories. If anybody wants to know – just read the fucking novel. All I can say about the characters is – Rorschach > You!

The twist in the end is colossal. In almost every book, the villain is the one you most expect it to be, because the author always makes it clear – the guy, acting the goodest is always the traitor; the guy, acting mostly evil is a good guy (i.e. Severus Snape). But here, you would never guess that this guy is the bad one… actually, not bad. The mastermind behind all the things that have been happening. All you can think of is “No fucking way! Why? How?” But when he explains it to you, when you think about it, this is the perfect fit. The ending is just filled with awesomeness and also something you never get from most books with clear black and white sides:

Ambi-F’N-guity.

You can go either way in the end. You can say that the mastermind is right. You can say that that was not the way. There is a moral dilemma and the novel lets you pick a side without necessarily being good or evil. It puts you in the huge grey area and lets you think for yourself and make a choice, without the writer shoving shit in your head about what’s good and what’s bad.

Watchmen is simply that good. There is little I can say to describe the pure awesomeness that the novel is. Whoever wants to understand it – read the fucking novel! If you don’t – why the fuck are you wasting time reading this? I just can’t imagine how the movie was made and how it can fit all of these stories without missing enough to bring upon itself the anger of all the fans. Alan Moore is right – this is a novel that must be read 4 out of 5 times. Is the movie a 5^th time charm? Will it… is it as good as the novel? Is it near that good? Now, that I’ve read it, there is only one way to find out. But in all fairness…

I hardly think it will come anywhere near its paper ancestor.

‘Tis all for now. Come again another time to read about something else. Teh Remus out.

Have a nice fucking day!

This particular book is very special to me, as well to many other fans of classic writings around the world.
For film maniacs I would mention that there is also an old animated interpretation of the book made in 1982 by the same people who made the animation of LOTR a few years earlier.
All magical stones connected with The Last Unicorn I hold very dear, since they are connected to my early childhood, which I was lucky enough to experience.

But enough storytelling. With the thought that I need to be objective, let’s jump into the forest.

The book has been published so many times that tens of covers exist. All I can say for certain is that in most cases the coverage looks really nice, especially for a book written in the late 60s.
Like the title suggests, you can see an unicorn, most often in a forest, either with its head sloping to the ground or staring in the distance. Excluding a few cases, the colours are wisely chosen and combined, letters shaped properly and so on, and so on. Pretty much I haven’t seen a terrible cover for this book despite the numerous editions.
Well, no offense to the fellow artists who did the Bulgarian one, but since the book was published with charity and by people who did it just because of their love for the book, I really don’t think it’s fair to criticize.

Although there aren’t many characters in this novel, they all have their respective roles and characteristics which make them affect the readers in a way only a goodly-shaped character could.
~ There is, of course, the unicorn. A female unicorn. She is small, gentle, white and shy, but also determined and bold, which kind of comes from the determination.
~ The rather silly and clumsy magician Schmendrik, who tries to make something out of himself. (atleast at the start)
~ The peasant woman Molly Grue married to an outlaw as a young girl, tricked by the magic of the life in the woods and the romance of it all.

So we have an unicorn, a magician and a woman. Well that isn’t much of a party if you consider LOTR. But of course, this isn’t anything like LOTR, even the quest of the whole journey isn’t about anything of those sorts.
The story begins in the forest where two hunters (an older and an younger one) talk about how they could never catch anything. I remember the scene from the movie, made with the exact lines of the book, so clearly that I cant do anything, but to share it.

“I mislike the feel of these woods. Creatures that live in the unicorn’s forest learn a magic of their own in time. Mainly concerned with disappearing.”
And then the younger hunter gives one of the most epic lines:
“Unicorns? I thought they only exist in fairy-tales. This is a forest like any other, isn’t it?”
“And why do the leaves never fall here? Or the snow? Why is it always spring here? I tell you there is one unicorn left in the world, and as long as it lives in this forest, we will find no game to hunt here.”

So basically the unicorn hears all that and starts asking herself if she really is the only unicorn around. Since she hasn’t seen any of her kind in centuries she doubts her beliefs and wonders where all the unicorns have gone. Till one day she meets a butterfly, who doesn’t really talk, but sings instead.
I know … a singing butterfly, but stay with me here. I am saying that the creature can’t speak in any other way, but with rhymes and songs. In the conversation we often hear quotes from famous Shakespeare works like King Lir, for example. Which is a bit annoying if you think about it … in the movie I doubt it really disturbs anyone, but when you read that, it makes you go a bit “hmmmm”.
Anyhow, the unicorn learns that an evil king who lives far far away has captured all the unicorns using a terrible creature named the Red Bull.
So after much consideration and more doubt, she sees that she can’t live any longer without knowing the truth. (I personally wouldn’t trust a singing butterfly either)
It is interesting how it turns out that humans can’t see unicorns anymore. They just see a white horse, but without a horn. That turns out to be both a blessing and a curse though, as a few times people try to catch her. Luckily, by using her special unicorn magic (noone tells us how exactly it works, but pretty much it just makes stuff … happen) she gets away till the day she falls asleep, exhausted. That’s where we meet one of the side villains, if you wish to call it that – Mommy Fortuna. I know … I don’t really like the name much either, but I’ve seen worse.
Long story-short. She keeps different animals in cages, uses her tricky magic to disguise them as epic beasts like dragons, manticores and so on. The only real creatures are the unicorn and a harpy.
Opening a little gap here. Since people can’t see the horn, Mommy Fortuna creates a second one on the unicorn’s head so people can actually see something. Which reflects to everything else really. People cant see the fake creatures for what they truly are, but need tricks to see a real unicorn.
Moving on, there she meets the magical Schmendrik, who, despite having limited powers, manages to free her, seeing this may be his only chance to become a true magician.
After a few more little adventures together, including the encounter with the outlaws and Molly Grue where Schmendrik performs his first real spell … summoning an image of Robin Hood …. again with the epic British legends …
… they finally reach the kingdom of King Haggard.
King Haggard. A quite interesting character in my opinion. It turns out that his land had become rotten and dead. He is almost out of servants, almost out of subjects. We know that he had it all, riches, strong wizards by his side, armies, happy people around him, but HIS own happiness never endured for long, He tried everything to be happy, but he couldn’t find happiness in anything. Then he saw two unicorns in the woods and his heart filled with joy and warmth and he decided he must have them all for that was the only thing left that was able to make him smile with happiness. Here comes another epic quote:

“They are nothing to me. I have known them all and they have not made me happy. I will keep nothing near me, that does not make me happy.”

But before they could even talk to Haggard, the Red Bull finds them and is about to kill the unicorn, so Schmendrik uses his magic once more and manages to turn her into a human woman so the beasts doesn’t recognize her for what she truly is.
And so they reach the King and his son (who turns out not to be of his blood, but that’s just details) named … well Lir. Prince Lir. With Schmendrik’s help they manage to sweet talk the King and become his subjects, but not before the struggle with the King’s previous wizard, the mighty Mabruk. I will leave this part to your imagination.
Things get even more complicated as the King starts to catch on (he is an old man now, but he is no fool) and not only that but the Prince falls in love with the unicorn. (remember, she is now a human)

Events climax with a strange twist, including yet again creative Schmendrik and a skeleton, much sacrifice and pain, ending with the simple conclusion that the only way for the unicorn to find her inner strength and face the Red Bull is through experiencing love and grief – feelings that other immortal creatures – like unicorns – could never feel.
The drama with Schemndrik is also smart, since he started the journey with the unicorn so he can become a real magician through the unicorn’s pure magic, but instead ends up doing it by himself as he starts to care and love her as a companion, discovering his true powers.
The reason of Molly Grue has always been a bit of a mysticism to me, maybe because I am not female. It has to do with somewhat her lost youth and the need to do something right and important in her life … or something like that.

It is interesting that the book has been changed during the years. Sometimes the Red Bull was just a “black road” chasing the unicorns. There are also scenes where the unicorn faces dragons and demons, but I suppose those were added for more epicness, and although I admire such things, I do prefer the very original.
Plus I might place things as relatively evil or good, but many people think that there are no good or bad characters here, there are just characters.

All in all, this is a non-standard fantasy novel, but definitely original, with much thought put into it and with a lot of things to teach us. And though it’s hard to properly compare it with other fantasy classics, it still stays … a classic.
If you haven’t read it – be sure to do it, I doubt that you will regret it. And if you have the chance and the time, watch the movie afterwards. I personally consider myself a very lucky person, since as a 6 year old child this was the story that actually touched me like no Disney script could ever do later on.

~~~ Revenant

~~~ The Last Unicorn MP3