Teh Remus Reviews #2: The Dark Elf Trilogy

“All books are either dreams or swords,
You can cut, or you can drug, with words.”

Amy Lowell
Sword Blades and Poppy Seed

So here I am with nothing to review and see some old stuff I’ve been reviewing in Bulgarian in my blog. And I remember that Lightus Crupius asked me to translate this shit so that we can give both of our opinions on the Drizzt saga, so there it is – the first (story hronologically) trilogy in the series.

Oh, I haven’t given any story cover, ‘cause I want anybody who gives a fuck to read the books himself. There are some spoilers, but nothing grand, really. Nothing in R.A. Salvatore’s work is grand, really. Whatever, let’s just get to the fucking review, shall we? I give you…

The Dark Elf Trilogy

#1 Homeland

After a few reading you can get tired of the book, but if I have to give it something, it’s this: This book is an excellent beginning of the story of Drizzt Do’Urden! The reader can really connect to the character and Salvatore does everything in his power to make you cheer when he cheers, weap when he weaps, angry when he’s angry, etc. You can see how he gets tired of all the lust for power and the twisted drow in general. Not much to say, really, but the book serves its purpose – it shows you the roots and the uniqueness of Drizzt. So that’s thumbs up.

But…

Except Drizzt, in the book are introduced some awesome other characters, some of which surpass his own in a future vision, but more on that later. It’s real unfortunate that most of the characters die just when you’re enjoying every bit of their personality. Like Zaknafein, who is this awesome original version of what Drizzt should’ve really been (more on that later…). He doesn’t want this life, he hates everything around him – all the murders, all the intrigues, all the struggle for power , – but he’s just too used to everything and feels like there is no other place to go, and he’s also not able to go against the drow, because they are just too many, too vicious and just plain brutal. Unfortunately, one book is too little for a character like his. Fortunately, with future vision you can see that killing him was the best decision – now he doesn’t have to watch how his son becomes a ballless pussy! (But more on that later…)

If there is something I dislike enough to bitch about – that is exactly the bitches in the book. Here, the women (every single one a priestess of the goddess Lolth) are this monstrous evil, dominating all life (and death). Everything that fears the wrath of the Spider Queen Lolth must bow down before the drow priestesses. Seriously, the women are evil, but that is just too damn much. Sure, why not there be one, two, three… maybe ten high priestesses that rule Menzoberranzan, but according to Salvatore all drow women should be feminists with a unique female look and phenomenal powers… So, I guess Oprah rules Farun? But even though this is the absolute worst in the book, it is not a pain to die from, because it has its minimal logic, enabling itself to make sense – Lolth is a woman and she prefers women. Simple as that.

Aside from that, the book is one of the better works of Salvatore. If you don’t like this, you probably won’t like any of the following (series).

#2 Exile

Unlike its predecessor, this book is bad. I, personally, did not like it. I love to read about Dinin and Jarlaxle, but everything else is just utter shit. As a fan of Zaknafein, one would guess that I’d be happy to see him in this book, but no – this is no Zaknafein. It is just Salvatore’s bad understanding about the undead. So, Malice resurrects him under her will and now he is a… what? What is he? Is he undead? They keep referring to him as a zombie, but that’s bullshit. Zombies are slow and brainless, not matching opponents for a Drizzt swordfight. So what is he? A ghost? A ghoul? A ghast? No, they are ethereal. A Death Knight? Apparently not! No, Zaknafein is no undead. As funny or strange it may seem, he’s actually a walking corpse, carrying Zak’s soul, controlled by Matron Malice, but he is not undead. The end itself proves that – Malice gets too close to Zak’s emotions to enable him to fight with his full potential and Zak’s will suddenly pops out and he regains control of his body. The only undead with will are vampires, liches and death knighs, but they don’t have feelings like the ones Zak shows towards Drizzt! Read some undead manuals before writing about them, Bob!

Another thing I have to read about is this new type of creatire – a pech, that has gotten on the wrong side of a polymorph spell and now is transformed into a hook horror. So throughout the book he just whines, bitches and pities himself. I’m guessing that’s some Drizzt-in-training act, but more on that later. Yeah, talk about self-pity, this book is all about self-pity! The pech has it. Matron Malice has it at one point. Motherfucking Drizzt has it. Speaking of which, let me introduce you to future Drizzt: a whining whore, feeling lonely and desperate. YOU ARE 40 YEARS OLD! GROW THE FUCK UP!

This book is easy to rate – it’s a shit pickle! And yet it is better than other books that I will review later on. Actually, just one other book.

#3 Sojourn (Убежище)

This book is good. It became one of my favourite Drizzt books even before I finished reading it. Here he is less a whiny whore and more an acting warrior. His adaptation to the surface world is a fun period to read about. His first meeting with a skunk is almost funny. The part with the barghest is boring, but then comes the Dove Falconhand group hunt and that is great. Finally something that gives you the right atmosphere for a Faerun act. It’s just sad that Salvatore has to use other’s awesome characters to make his own stories interesting. Even sadder that the Dove story ends somewhat suddenly. First they chase him, then he helps them fend off some giants and her group is all like “OK, so he’s good, we’ll let’em go.”

Faerun Fun Fact #1: Dove Falconhand is one of the Seven Sisters – Chosen of The Goddess of Magic Mystra, who picked their mother – Elue, wife of ranger Dornal Silverhand as a mean to create Chosen. The other Sisters are: Sylune, the Witch of Shadowdale; Alustriel, ruler of Silverymoon; Storm, Harper of Shadowdale; Laeral Arunsun, Lady of Waterdeep and wife of Khelben “Blackstaff” Arunsun; The Simbul – former Alassra Silverhand, current lover of Elminster Aumar and Witch Queen of Aglarond, also the most powerful sorceress in all Faerun; Qilue Veladorn, a drow priestess of both Mystra and surface drow goddess Eilistraee, leader of the Promenade.

Next comes the Montolio chapters. He is and interesting character and teacher, being a blind ranger, but he’s lightyears away from Zaknafein. The battle near the end between Drizzt, Montolio and a 1,000 orcs was a overblown fuckfest – there is NO way a 80-year old blind ranger and a ranger-in-training surface adaptee to fight off ONE-MOTHER-FUCKING-THOUSAND orcs. That’s saying that orcs are the most retarded creatures in the world. And check out one of Salvatore’s next book titles – THE THOUNSAND ORCS! And if you knew what happens in the book, you know that this here is just retarded!

Aside from that and the utterly annoying Roddy McGristle and the quickling, everything else is more than OK. I recommend the book to any sci-fi readers and Forgotten Realms fans.

Nex review will be the Icewind Dale Trilogy. ‘Till then…

Have a nice fucking day!