A Light Upon… #1: The First Swords by Fred Saberhagen

I have been thinking what to start with. I mean as a first post and first review to a new web site maybe it is wise to start with something really good or at least unique.
See … that’s partly true.
Partly.
So I decided not to go against all reason and really give you a review about something noone else has ever created. Namely one of dear Freddy ”The Wizard” Saberhagen’s masterpieces – The First Swords. That marvelous piece of work, which, although not so good for reading, can be comfortably used  for other important activities like supporting your PC or placing a plate of fried potatoes, is sadly on my shelves.
And despite me saying all that, this particular book IS actually unique.

Let’s have a look.

First of a all, who is Fred Saberhagen?
You don’t know, right? If so, not to worry! The man is wise enough to put the handy sentence on the front cover of the book.

“Is Fred Saberhagen a wizard? You decide, but he is definitely one of the most talented writers of our time” – Quasar Reviews

Erm … right. Should I start with … Who the HELL are Quasar Reviews? I mean who in the name of Merlin will actually think of such a name? But let’s say that’s just me being rude or uninformed, or even too strict when it comes to retarded names. You choose. 
Anyhow … a wizard? And one of the best, oh I am sorry, ‘most talanted’ writers of OUR time? I mean come on. At the very least they could have made the effort to put a “fantasy/sci-fi’ somewhere in that terrific sentence of Doom. But no, let’s not belittle the great godlike Mr. Saberhagen. I am sure turtles like Arthur C. Doyle and Steven King are just dying out of jealousy.
I mean – be reasonable. If you really want to put a lame opinion of anything or anyone on your book cover, at least make sure it makes some sense.

Unbelievably though the cover was pretty nice. A great grey or black (depending on the country the book is published) sword with dragons elegantly shaped around the grip, magical (assuming) runes scattered across the blade and end of the weapon. Letters shaped properly.
To be honest the reason I bought this particular book all those years ago and actually read it was because of the cover. I bet sometimes that happens to you as well. You just go out and tell yourselves “Hey, today I am to buy a book, but I don’t know which one. Not to worry, there are so many of them around, I am bound to like one!” Then you start browsing and your eyes stop on a shiny cover and before you know it … you have spent one of the worst amount of  money in your life.
Sadly that wasn’t the problem here. I am fine giving away money for books, especially good-looking books, even if the insides aren’t anything magnificent. But this book just blows!
No, I am serious. Reading it was such a pain, that I actually had to recover from it for a couple of weeks after finishing it. It is also the ONLY book (Not counting the Mickey Mouse magazine. That’s no book!) I found myself dropping from my hands as I literary fell asleep.

But enough blunt statements. Let’s jump into the flows of magical energy that is the work of Freddy “The Wizard” Saberhagen.

The main characters.
It’s really hard to keep a proper track on that element. There are so many and so … poorly described (or barely described) characters around that it seems like the author just decided to throw seeds away and pick up whatever gives a good crop as the book progresses.
To sum it up, the main douches here are called Mark, Ben and Barbera.
-_-
What? Is this a fantasy book or a late Saturday comedy from the 80s? There are also some other names flying around, which dear Freddy decided to use. Like King Andrew the Good, Dennis the Fast … (or is it Fastleg Dennis, I am really not sure how it is in the original, but both-ways- its crap), Queen Jambu or … something like that.
I mean … did this guy even think of the names himself? Or did he just give a piece of paper to a retarded child along with a colourful pencil and asked him to write whatever hits his brain in exchange for a quarter?

But leave the names and the absolute lack of flexibility in the locations’  titles aside. What about the actual story?
Basically there are these swords forged by the gods and they are scattered across the earth and ended up in the hands of mostly … greedy people who use their magical powers for gaining more and more sway in the world.
Wow …
The Gods.
Well we get quite a few looks at who exactly the gods are and what exactly they want. They are …. what? The Greek gods? Same names, same descriptions … they did it for …. amusement and to … bet on who wins?
Whut – the – fEck!
The Greek gods? He actually didn’t even have the imagination and skill to think of his own gods and used the Greek mythology instead? What a bunch of …. anyway.
As I was saying … those swords are scattered across the world. And that’s where the all brave King Andrew the Good (or maybe it was Sir Andrew) comes in. But no, he isn’t a main character or anything. He is just … good. So good that he is a bit of a moron too. Pretty much all the good characters who are trying to help our three heroes (who during the book are separated or together as they also grow up and turn from little retards to … well big and old retards) seem to have some brain damage and a bag of naivety.
Maybe the villains will turn out to be different.
But … no. Although there are several of them laying around, none of them really turns out to be anything special. Actually, to be honest with you, you cant really reach any of the characters because of the simple fact that there are so many of them and they keep dieing and new ones keep popping up so fast that poor ol’ Freddy just couldn’t keep up with showing us their thoughts or reasons for what they do.
Special impression gives the moment around the beginning of the book where little Mark is cornered by one of the “bad guys” –  the all powerful and intangible Baron Amintor or whatever his  name was.

He knew he was trapped, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Everyone was laying dead, he knew no one can hear him even if he was able to scream out. The Baron was standing right infront of him, smiling, ready to take what is his – the magical sword the boy was still holding in his shacking hands. And he was going to get it, Mark knew. The end was near, so he just kept holding the sword as tight as he could and closed his eyes, waiting for death to take him. He heard the baron laugh and swing, but at the same time the sword in his own hands moved. After a windy gasp Mark opened his eyes just to see the Baron laying infront of him, stabbed on the boy’s magical sword …. bla bla bla bla bla ….. crap crap ….

So a 10 year old kid is able to kill a full-armoured grown man with military skills with just his eyes CLOSED? That makes NO sense! Beware mighty Spearwielders, watch out bold elves, let the whole dwarven kingdom shake in their boots, cause there is a little boy that kills without his eyes even blinking! I mean is there any point for anyone to carry on with this nonsense?

After another 300 pages and the twists of characters never to be remembered, the three bold heroes are together again, older with more experience and definitely wiser and able to do more than when they were 10. Or are they …?
It turns out that for so many years where they have all suffered under the terrible reign of the villains and the cruelty of life they still are the same retarded, brainless and clueless about everything sad faces that somehow always end up alive and saving the day.
Somewhere around that pile of poison we meet the lovely Dennis The Fast (or Fastleg Dennis) who is somewhat a servant in a rich home in a … city. Or something. He is a not-so-bright young man (surprise!) who secretly wants to have sexual intercourse with the wife of his master, but since he can’t get that far he finds comfort in flirting with their maid erm … what was her name again … Quan-in.
Quan-in? Is that Chinese or something? Do Chinese people even exist in fantasy worlds? Does the Asian race and the people with yellow skin exist in fantasy realms?
TELL ME, YOU WIZARD YOU!
And basically, because of Dennis’ weakness (if you want to call it like that. I just call it complete tomfoolery) the goddess of Love goes to him naked and makes him give up the sword of his masters by telling him she loves him and twirling around him in a little dance …

STOP!

I don’t care how it sounds. That’s complete bullshit and that’s the end of it. The way that scene was written is just pure donkeyballs. Donkeyballs I tell you. This isn’t Knaak, isn’t even your mother’s love novels by Daniel Steel. It WAS terrible and no, I am not going to quote.

With barely 100 pages left we approach the-so-much-awaited climax of it all. The forces of the queen …. whatever her name was and the evil lord … someone  (I mean does anyone give a crap, the names suck anyway) are about to crash into a bloody terrible battle.
But not. Everything ends in about 1 page where it’s only announced who wins and the other guy/bitch is zapped by the all mighty gods, cause well, they like jokes.
Oh, did I mention the swords are SO special they have their own retarded names and can also kill the gods? Well, you know now.
So in the end the so mighty gods, which by the way act like everything else but gods (that’s what happens when you use the crappy Greek mythology for a fantasy novel) screw up and half of them die by the hands of mere humans holding the swords. The last pages tell us how the smith god is being ganked by the human X and realizes what a terrible mistake he has done to make such weapons.
Oh, and Mark becomes King or … something and marries some woman person.

Frankly …. this book is terrible. It’s so terrible that you can say it is unlike anything you have ever encountered in your whole fantasy journeys. The characters suck, the names are retarded, no real story other than the fact the emperor of it all likes to go into small towns in the night dressed like a stranger and bang random good-looking women, everyone comes and goes as they please, we don’t learn anything of what happens to them even in the end and the whole gods act is completely messed up, not to mention a Greek mythology rip-off!

If you have space to fill up on your shelves so your other books stand straight, go ahead and buy this book. If not, then by the white mighty city of Gondor – just DON”T!

~~~ Revenant